Business and Campus Speak

As I wrote in my newest article, The Preliminary-Hearing Swindle (forthcoming), I’m sometimes embarrassed, for my profession, by the judiciary’s blatant disregard of the law.  But despite that, the law is still, sort of, a profession.  And in that regard it stands in stark contrast to “business” and “academia,” which are not professions.  What differentiates a profession from a faux or wanna-be profession?  One thing is that the wanna-be crowd often uses unnecessary, nonsensical language and goofy buzzwords to give the impression of specialized knowledge.  

Here’s an example from college sports—a world blending both business and academia—in which the new Pac-2 commissioner speaks out about her role in helping the conference’s two remaining schools plan for the future:

"That strategic piece is really being bold and being aggressive, being intentional and really attacking these challenges head on, but also being open-minded and making sure that we're considering all options," Gould said on a videoconference.  "That is probably the most important and urgent piece of my role, is to partner with the leadership on both campuses to forge that future path for their two campuses and their athletic programs."

That gibberish includes everything except the word “community.”  Let’s break it down.  She has to be “bold and aggressive.”  And also “intentional.”  That would seem to be part of being bold and aggressive, but okay.  Of course this will all be done by “partner[ing] with the leadership” of the Pac-2.  Remember, people don’t work together, they partner.  And everyone’s a leader, of course.  

But wait: despite the aggression, boldness, and intentionality, she can’t move too aggressively, boldly, or intentionally, because they have to be sure they’re “considering all options.”  So take your time but hurry up!

That’s quite a build up.  What does it all translate to?  What’s the punchline?  Unfortunately, the new Pac-2 commissioner “did not provide any specifics.”  Maybe it’s a secret plan.

Not since Dean Martin of the newly-named Melon School of Business have I heard someone use so many words to say so little of substance.