In the News: Real or Satire?

Which of the following news headlines are real and which are satire?  It’s getting harder to tell these days.  Read the headlines, below, and take a guess.  Then learn which ones are the real deal, after the jump.

1. University: Avoid term “trigger warning” because it uses the word “trigger”
2. University class explores whether the vast blackness of the cosmos is racist
3. Female weightlifter suffers testicle injury one week before competition
4. Scholar banned from APA discussion group after suggesting there are only two sexes
5. Pennsylvania election audit shows Benjamin Franklin voted for Biden
6. Chemistry, Biology textbooks over-represent male scientists, educators say
7. Police: Woman briefly identified as man to avoid long bathroom line
8. Professor: White privilege is like getting free Wi-Fi
9. Scholar: Progressive church adopts all the positions popular in modern society
10. Professor: Harry and Meghan’s baby “half oppressed, half privileged”

1. Real.  A university actually put the term “trigger warning” on its oppressive speech list because, you know, guns have triggers.  Also, don’t say phrases like “take a shot.”  That, too, is potentially triggering.  Woops, I mean upsetting.
2. Real.  This is what professors do when they run out of things to do. 
3. Satire. This one is satire, but it could soon be real, as men are now allowed to compete in women’s sports.  The only reason you may never see an actual headline like this is that it’s too specific and could violate some confidentiality law.
4. Real.  I knew that people can now decide to switch genders, or demonstrate “fluidity” and whatnot, but I had no idea there were more than two sexes. 
5. Satire.  It is true that sometimes dead people “vote” as a result of voter fraud.  But this headline is satirical. 
6. Real.  Concepts like “best” and “truth” and “merit” are dead.  Equity (not equality) is the new goal.  Schools should therefore select science textbooks based on the author's gender.  And if no women have written books on biology, then just "wing it" in the classroom.  It's not like that subject is even real anyway, e.g., see #4.
7. Satire. I wanted to use the headline “Motorcyclist identifies as bicyclist and sets world record,” but that’s obviously satire . . . or is it?
8. Real.  I couldn’t bring myself to read this one, so I don’t have anything witty to write about it.  But I'd like some free Wi-Fi, please. 
9. Satire.  C’mon, give ’em a break, churches have to compete for customers.  What are they supposed to do, toe the line of traditional values? 
10. Satire.  But this one could easily have been real.  After all, some “scholars” argue that grammar, grading, and even being on time are signs of white supremacy.  (Look it up.)  No commentary is too laughable to be laughed at in the academy.

How did you score?  Not too well?  That's actually good.  If you are unable to tell satire from reality today, it just means you still have a shred of sanity.