Some privacy, please

Not for me, but for you.  I’m talking to you three: Megan Fox, some dude named Mark Ronson, and the actor who plays the (really) dorky character on Silicon Valley.  If you three could be a little more private with the intimate details of your personal lives, that would be great for me (and for your children and spouses). 

First, Megan, according to this USA Today story, you claim to be “private when it comes to [your] children.”  Given that, does the world really need to know that your six-year-old boy wears dresses to school and that you allow it (in fact, encourage it)?  Newsflash: the kid is six.  When a first-grader goes to school, it is the parent’s job to dress him or her appropriately rather than leaving the outfit to the whims of an underdeveloped, six-year-old brain.  But if, by “woke” standards, it’s offensive to send a boy to schools in khakis and a button-down shirt because that would deny the fluidity of gender (or whatever), try these sexless, genderless pants.  They’re all the rage right now.  And if you do send the kid to school in a dress, do you need to talk about it to the national media?  Try reining that in a bit, lest the kid be plagued by this dress incident when he reaches adulthood and realizes he wants to follow in his father’s footsteps as a (rather good) tough-guy actor.

Also, Megan, as an aside, when repeating something you’ve previously said, don’t preface it with “I was like”; rather, simply kick it off with “I said.”  If nothing else, doing so will make you appear smarter, which could draw the attention and affections of some dude named Mark Ronson.  Much like Megan’s parenting escapades, Mr. Ronson’s story is cluttering my “news” feed.  Turns out, this guy has “come out”—not as gay, but as “sapiosexual.”  Normally, upon seeing that headline, I would fight back the urge to vomit and quickly skip the story, as I don’t give a damn about this dude’s sexual practices.  But, because I had ideas of a blog post dancing in my head, I read on.  “In case you’re not familiar with the term [sapiosexual],” don’t worry.  CNN has you covered.  “[I]t means being attracted to intelligence above other traits—or, in other words, putting brains before looks or gender.”  Well, first, I’d like to see how many ugly smart people Mr. Ronson is dating.  And second, I hate to break it to CNN, but Mr. Ronson is just a bisexual dude who is attracted to smart people.  Nothing new to see here, and certainly nothing that should be popping up in my “news” feed. 

Finally, I was disappointed to read that the actor from Silicon Valley, who plays the dorky leader of the fictional company Pied Piper, was discussing his (and his wife’s) sexual practices with the national media.  Turns out, they are swingers.  (Once again, CNN breaks the story, and tells us that the modern term is “living the lifestyle.”)  After a mere four years of marriage to his hot wife, the goofy-looking actor needed to branch out sexually.  The story claims that swinging “saved” their marriage.  Okay, I’m an outsider on these issues (both marriage and “the lifestyle”), but it seems to me it isn’t much of a marriage if you and your spouse are regularly having sex with others.  Further, the actor explains how difficult it is to pull this off: “It's a perpetual state of management and communication,” and, more to the point, “We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly.”  What the hell kind of marriage is that?  Well, the actor may not be in it for much longer.  He concedes that his wife “might be mad at me” for sharing their sexual practices with the nation—indeed, with the world.

That’s a pretty smart insight by the actor.  But the real question is whether it’s smart enough to catch the eye and interest of sapiosexual dude Mark Ronson.  Only time (and CNN) will tell.