Friday, May 27, 2016

Bill Clinton appointed as “special prosecutor” to investigate Ken Starr [Updated Below]

In a long-delayed but ironic turn of events, Baylor University has just appointed former United States President Bill Clinton to serve as “special prosecutor” in the internal probe of its alleged mishandling of sexual allegations.  According to Baylor sources, Clinton will be investigating Kenneth Starr — the university’s former president who has since been stripped of that title but remains employed in other capacities.  One of Clinton’s directives, sources say, is to determine what Starr knew, when he knew it, and what actions he took with regard to allegations that certain student athletes had committed sex-related misdeeds.  Decades earlier, of course, the roles were reversed: Starr led a multi-year, multi-million dollar investigation ostensibly into Clinton’s Whitewater real estate transaction; however, that investigation quickly shifted from real estate to Clinton’s sexual indiscretions while in office.  The investigation eventually culminated in the so-called Starr Report, also known as “Kenneth Starr’s $70 million bag of garbage.”

Clinton discussed Starr’s investigation of him in a post-presidency interview with Peter Jennings.  Recently, Clinton met with Jennings again to discuss this turning of the tables.  “I’m very excited to be appointed by Baylor University to investigate this incredibly serious matter,” Clinton told Jennings.  “While I don’t have $70 million of taxpayer money at my disposal as Kenny did back in the 90s, I still plan to put Baylor’s relatively modest resources to their most efficient use.” 

Clinton also promised to turn the full force of the private university’s “investigative apparatus” on Starr, in order to ferret out “what he knew, what he should have known, and what he should have done” regarding allegations that some student athletes committed sexual misdeeds.  Clinton expressed his desire to focus on “truth rather than confidentiality,” and promised to “leak every sleazy detail” of his investigation to the press.  “If these sexual allegations are true, they happened under Kenny’s watch.  My investigation will start with that, and who knows where I’ll be able to take it?” Clinton asked rhetorically. 

Clinton also stated that he planned to continue campaigning for his wife, the presumptive Democratic nominee for the United State’s Presidency.  “I will work hard to make Hilary the next President of the United States, while doing my best to prevent Kenny from regaining the presidency at Baylor.”

Ken Starr did not immediately return phone calls requesting comment.

UPDATE:  Apparently I'd be a good political journalist, as some people believed this post to be factual reporting.  However, I am sorry to report that it is merely fictional, satirical, ironic fun.  

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