In a long-delayed but ironic turn of events, Baylor
University has just appointed former
United States President Bill Clinton to serve as “special prosecutor” in the internal
probe of its alleged mishandling of sexual allegations. According to Baylor sources, Clinton
will be investigating Kenneth Starr — the university’s former president who has
since been stripped of that title but remains employed in other capacities. One of Clinton ’s
directives, sources say, is to determine what Starr knew, when he knew it, and
what actions he took with regard to allegations that certain student athletes had
committed sex-related misdeeds. Decades earlier, of course, the roles were reversed: Starr led
a multi-year, multi-million dollar investigation ostensibly into Clinton ’s
Whitewater real estate transaction; however, that investigation quickly shifted from real estate to Clinton ’s
sexual indiscretions while in office.
The investigation eventually culminated in the so-called Starr Report, also
known as “Kenneth Starr’s $70 million bag of garbage.”
Clinton also promised to turn the full force of the private
university’s “investigative apparatus” on Starr, in order to ferret out “what
he knew, what he should have known, and what he should have done” regarding allegations
that some student athletes committed sexual misdeeds. Clinton
expressed his desire to focus on “truth rather than confidentiality,” and promised to “leak every sleazy detail” of his investigation to the press. “If these sexual allegations are true, they happened under
Kenny’s watch. My investigation will
start with that, and who knows where I’ll be able to take it?” Clinton
asked rhetorically.
Ken Starr did not immediately return phone calls requesting
comment.
UPDATE: Apparently I'd be a good political journalist, as some people believed this post to be factual reporting. However, I am sorry to report that it is merely fictional, satirical, ironic fun.
UPDATE: Apparently I'd be a good political journalist, as some people believed this post to be factual reporting. However, I am sorry to report that it is merely fictional, satirical, ironic fun.
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